One of the most response-provoking blogs I’ve published lately was one titled “Attachment is a Monkey Trap,” about Letting Go. First, thank you for taking the time to read it and respond if you did, and secondly, I can summarize it here if you’d like to read it later: “Loving without caring is challenging but important to our well-being and satisfaction with life.” Particularly for Silver Sages (Who are Silver Sages?), my target audience of 50-Somethings and Older, we are uniquely prepared to reap the benefits of Loving without Caring.
Loving without Caring? How are we better prepared to do that at 50+ when we’ve likely acquired more relationships over time than we had when we were younger? Our effort is what counts, not the number of relationships we’ve acquired. We can do it is my point, and when we do, we are happier.
Loving without Caring means extending your tender concern to someone without allowing his/her autonomy to be misidentified with yours. One of the simplest and most profound truths I’ve shared with others is from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, that is: “Don’t take anything personally.” (The small book is a terrific, easy read and so resonant.) You can love without caring by not allowing your personal identity, values or choices to get confused with others’—by loving people and wishing them well and not mistaking your love for the ability to influence or, worse yet, to control what they feel, say or do or what happens to them. Love them without caring: detach from mistaken notions about control and from trying to change people or the consequences they face.
Would you prefer an alternate phrase, like Loving without Carrying? The same principles hold true. As we mature and grow in experience and wisdom, we become more and more capable of loving others without feeling an undue responsibility for their choices or their destinies. This is where Gray Matter matters most. When we’re older, we can love without carrying more readily—even though we continue to form more and more relationships as we age. We have the Gray Matter to understand that people change themselves and that we lack control in making others comply with our direction or live by our standards.
Consider this: by the time I was 50, my children had completed their formal education and were living on their own, and my parents were well into their golden years. Most of my acquaintances, friends, and clients celebrate that birthday in similar life circumstances. The natural course of life is to prepare ourselves to let go, and in leaning into that natural impulse, we are more aware of the fleeting nature of relationships—with or without blood bonds—and we use awareness to truly savor the feelings we experience in loving or friendly attachments and value the time we spend with others.
Our wealth of experiences and greater depths of self-awareness and wisdom allow us to become loving and serene—connecting with others enthusiastically and in some cases spiritually but never mistaking our love for more than what it is.
With Love and Light,
Dr Mell
