I’m struck by the number of people I know in public and private struggles. The spring storms of 2011 have upended records kept in our country for generations that chronicle the number of lives lost, people injured and the value of property damage done to homes, farms and businesses as they—tornados, water spouts, hailstorms and thunderstorms—have left devastation in their wake. The storm damage from Alabama and Mississippi to Missouri and Massachusetts will require years of physical and financial sacrifice from residents who want to build back.

The psychological trauma experienced by storm survivors may at first seem endless, but we are resilient. The aftermath of these storms has put countless people in various states of physical and emotional healing, and my heart goes out particularly to people who’ve already weathered a lot of loss in their lives—people approaching and over 50 affected by the terrible loss.

Ironically, this group of storm victims—the 50-somethings and older—are uniquely qualified to cope well and serve as “role models of resilience” for others. Maturity and a deep sense of well-being come from facing both wonderful and difficult life experiences and cultivating a spirit that focuses on the radiant, a heart that’s strong but not hardened, and a mind determined to grasp meaning and a greater sense of accomplishment by soldiering on with hope and courage.

Two of my friends facing difficult choices are Margaret and Charlie. Their son, Chip, and I were childhood friends, so you know they’ve landed squarely in their 70s now. The home that Charlie’s father built for them decades ago—their beautiful homeplace where Margaret made her lush flowerbeds the envy of their neighborhood—was destroyed in the late April tornados in Alabama. Margaret and Charlie barely survived serious injury or worse as the timbers, flagstones, roof and walls that sheltered them for so long exploded around them in the fury from those deadly winds. Charlie chokes up when he speaks about his late father’s generosity, but his loving eyes well with tears as he recounts the anguish he felt when he clawed through the rubble for their home to get to Margaret and pull her to safety.

They’ve parented a child together, known the ups and downs of enterprise as small business owners and served as community leaders in their church and small town. They’ve lived an abundant and happy life through good times and bad, and now, they find themselves in their golden years with what anyone would say are difficult choices and heavy hearts.

Rest assured, however, that Margaret and Charlie are still hopeful and full of courage and have the most genuine comfort of their family, friends and neighbors. They are resilient, and whatever their decision—to build back where they’ve been or re-settle where the soil isn’t nearly as familiar—they’re soldiering on with the quiet confidence borne of good character and the perspective from a longer view. Charlie says, “Naturally, we’re feeling a little lost, but we have the support of so many good friends, and we’ll be fine. We’ll build back where and when we’re ready, and we’ll know when everything feels right. Thank you for your kindness.”

With our most heartfelt sympathy and respect,

Dear Margaret and Charlie,

Please know without question that we stand with you. We are deeply moved by your loss, Dear Friends, and honored to know you and are thinking of you during this tender time. Thank you for serving as a beacon of strength and well-being that lights our way. All the best to you always,

Yours truly,

Doctor Mell

One of my favorite words—a word that speaks to me on a molecular level—is Freedom. F-r-e-e-d-o-m. There are so many layers of wonderful in that word that I don’t even know where to begin. Like almost everyone in the world, I value warm, authentic connections with other people, and the love from my big family and the precious friendships I enjoy are priceless to me. Still, I love my freedom and the occasional liberation from any obligation to anyone. Sometimes I honestly feel that I need freedom like I need oxygen.

Allow me now to connect the essence of freedom to positive psychology, my life’s mission, and my own desire to flourish.

Teaching and learning have given my life meaning and purpose. When I was a little girl, I loved school, and I ultimately became an educator so that I could be at school every day. “Back to School” time each fall still thrills me like Christmas. I love everything about it: the charged atmosphere among students, parents and teachers; the excitement and promise in uncharted realms of discovery; and the tools of the trade in a new school bag filled with multi-colored pens and pencils, a sharp pair of scissors, paper clips in various sizes, and now, technology for learning—don’t get me started!

I taught at the college level for 20 years until fibromyalgia (FMS) pain and fatigue sent me home. By the time I started my “health sabbatical,” a whole coterie of doctors and I had been battling FMS for more than a decade, and now, 16 years in, I’ve found positive psychology and, from it, the power to flourish and, with it, opportunities to reach out to others for a richer, more fulfilling way of life. Let me tell you about people who struggle with one form or another of chronic pain: they are the toughest people you could ever imagine. Bette Davis once said, “Aging is not for sissies,” but I can assure you that neither is an unrelenting battle against pain.

After twelve years of living with FMS, I couldn’t get to school anymore and had to face the loss of a career I cherished, an estrangement from my students and colleagues, and the uncertainty of my future with as much courage as I could muster. For someone who needs freedom like she needs oxygen, I worried that I could spend The Second Half of my life gasping for air, and my story is not unique. Other people living with FMS and other chronic pain share very similar stories about their lives and the losses that they feel they’ve endured because of it.

So, how did I get from loss to liberty? How does anyone accomplish that? From my experience, the best, most effective way is through the revelations of positive psychology. This new focus from imminent psychology researchers and practitioners on human well-being gives all of us—those who enjoy abundant health and those who don’t—the freedom to flourish.  Positive psychology empowers my new mission and my ability to continue teaching and learning and public speaking and writing; my practice as The 50-Plus Life Coach is providing an exciting avenue for all of that. So, while we’re all respectfully listening to each others’ stories and the victories and defeats that are a part of every human life, let’s act on the best research and best practices that ensure human well-being and “walk the talk.”

I hereby seize the moment and my freedom to learn and share with others and flourish.

Yours truly,

Doctor Mell

An optimist stops helplessness. A pessimist spreads helplessness. So, what does science reveal about genetics and a person’s predisposition to see that glass half-full or half-empty? Certainly a substantial amount. But beyond genetics, what does science reveal about the part we can influence? The answer it turns out is a remarkable amount.

In the mid-1990s, Dr. David Lykken at the University of Minnesota completed ground-breaking research and published the results that explain the role of our genes in determining human perspective. The research was conducted on 4,000 sets of twins born in Minnesota between 1936 and 1955, and after compiling data on well-being among both identical and fraternal twins, the results showed that 50 percent of a person’s satisfaction with life comes from genetic programming (Wallis, 2005). The study examined genetic influence on such traits as having a sunny, easygoing personality and exhibiting the ability to cope well with stress and expressing feelings of hope and future-mindedness.

Dr. Lykken’s research went further to factor in circumstantial considerations as well, aspects that can be attributed to the slings and arrows of life such as income, marital status, religion and education. These additional factors contributed another 8 percent to a person’s overall sense of well-being. From these results, researchers and field practitioners began to refer confidently to “a set point” of sorts. Here’s what we know now: your genetic make-up and life circumstances affect about 60 percent of your overall outlook. Whether you’re essentially an optimist or a pessimist, your perception of well-being has a set point. The remarkable news for all of us and particularly for people interested in positive psychology is that those statistics leave a whopping 40 percent in our control. So what if you’ve been accused of being in the “glass half-empty” crowd? Science tells us that you have the power to turn that around and truly flourish.

You can claim control of 40 percent of your outlook—40 percent of your sense of well-being—and take action to bolster your optimism and, from that spark, create even more success. Optimism stops helplessness, and 40 percent is a big chunk of workable material to use to cultivate more daily joy and deeper and more lasting fulfillment.

Fed by this research from the University of Minnesota and many related studies, proponents of positive psychology can identify the interventions and life strategies that affect our “40 Percent” in measurable ways. Martin Seligman, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Edward Diener and many others are determined to discover the best practices that enhance the three components of well-being—getting more pleasure out of life, becoming more engaged, and finding ways of making life feel more meaningful. My aim is to continue to spread the good news, to help others “cultivate their 40 Percent,” and to join forces with others to rid the world of helplessness.

Join Us!

Doctor Mell

________________

Wallis, C et al (2005). “The new science of happiness: New research on mood and satisfaction.” TIME Magazine in collaboration with CNN News, 9 January. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1015902-1,00.html

You’re going to be heartened by the exceptional research results coming out of the Stanford Center of Longevity; I certainly am. An important study sponsored by the Center and conducted by Dr. Laura Carstensen shows that as time passes, subjects report a more positive sense of well-being and more emotional stability. As we age, our overall well-being and resilience increases. Yes!

Study subjects ranging in age from 18 to 94 were asked to record their emotional states at five randomly chosen times every day for one week, and then, Dr. Carstensen took the same sampling with the same participants five years later and then again five years after that. Dr. Carstensen’s scientific focus is on brain function and the expression of emotion, and her findings give us insights into how we experience our lives over an extended time. The research shows that the participants expressed a greater degree of well-being and more emotional consistency as they grew older (Paul, 2011). Now, don’t get carried away: there’s no reason to gloat to young people who feel superior because they have more supple knees or slimmer waistlines. I just think it’s important for people approaching and over 50 to read scientific evidence that, in many ways, proves that life gets better as we get older. As humans age, they feel happier and less vulnerable to their emotional highs and lows.

This research amplifies another study’s findings sponsored by the Center involving brain scans and emotional triggers (2004). Younger and older subjects’ brain activity was measured while they responded to photographs they were shown depicting cheerful, distressing and neutral images. The younger subjects ages 18 to 29 reacted equally to cheerful and distressing images, but the older subjects ages 70 to 90 reacted more strongly to the cheerful images. These study results and others reveal that older adults gain more control of their emotions and feel more resilient in emotionally challenging situations. The news just keeps getting better.

The media has regular print, Internet-based and broadcast television features focused on “our youth-obsessed culture,” and their blogs, videos and one-hour investigative pieces explore the increase in elective surgeries or the gazillion-dollar-a-year health and fitness industry as evidence that we are scared to death (pardon the expression) to grow old. Perhaps you should save your money and focus on the upside. The research from Stanford’s Center and others—from serious science—suggests that people develop a deeper sense of well-being as our bodies and brains age.

Happily Yours,

Doctor Mell

———————–

Paul, A. M. (May, 2011). “Love the age you are: The mind.” The Oprah Magazine. Ed. S. Casey. 212-3.

Do you define your worth by the whirlwind of busy-ness you can stir up? I’ve been reflecting on whether or not I’ve been guilty of that myself or whether I actually had more demands on my time in my 20s and 30s.

Like many women, I married and had my children when I was young. By the time I was in my mid-thirties, I was running Mach II with my hair on fire, working feverishly at marriage (miserably unsatisfying), parenting and extended family life (challenging and mostly satisfying), career (growing and mostly satisfying) and health and wellness (last and least attended). I still have all of those obligations, so you’d think I’d still be a whirling dervish, and I’m not.

Believe me, my time is limited now, and my list of things I’ve left undone is always rather substantial by the end of the day, but I think I’ve learned how to create more progress and finish brilliantly without making myself exhausted and sick. My value system has evolved, and my life feels richer without the crazy busy-ness from before.

Here’s where The Sacred Pause comes in. The other day I read that phrase, “The Sacred Pause,” that describes the moments that balanced, happy people spend each day in meditation or prayer, and I instantly fell in love. That phrase expresses the self-love that coaxes people into carving out quiet rituals in their frantic days. It neutralizes the loaded connection to a specific religion that might prevent some people from participating in the purity of the gesture. It acknowledges the power of stillness in regular, peaceful rituals of reflection. I’m just knocked out by the phrase “The Sacred Pause.”

What does science reveal about the power of The Sacred Pause? Measurable improvement in human well-being has been demonstrated when people work with a life coach or therapist to look objectively at their behavior, thoughts and feelings and to change things that negatively affect their happiness. People who incorporate daily rituals like prayers, acknowledgments or meditations express a greater degree of physical and mental well-being than people who do not, and there is growing evidence that spiritual people are generally happier, have better physical and psychological health, happier relationships and live longer than people who are not (Grenville-Cleave, 2008).

I believe that finding the power of The Sacred Pause has changed my life in a really good way, and when I make a discovery, I’m too much of a natural-born teacher not to want to share it with others. When I was younger and caught up in busy-ness, I rushed through everything, including my healthy rituals. Sometimes, I’d run so hard and so fast all day that I’d fall asleep at night in the midst of an evening prayer. Now, I honor The Sacred Pause because I’ve grown wiser about its power to help me keep going with passion and purpose and to nourish my soul with tranquility and peace. Science also tells us that the best benefit is in having spiritual rituals that routinely give us pause, not necessarily in the length of time we spend in them. (That makes me feel better about nodding off.)

Whether you’re 30 or 90, your body, mind and spirit can benefit from a sacred pause. I can’t encourage you enough to add this ritual to your daily recipe for well-being if you haven’t already.

All the Best Always,

Doctor Mell
_______________

Grenville-Cleave, B et al (2008). The happiness equation: 100 factors that can add to or subtract from your happiness. Adams Media: Avon, MA.

Many people I spend time with are steeped in self-improvement projects; it’s the nature of my work and my personal focus, too. Reaching personal goals can happen in incremental steps and giant leaps, but each bit of progress deserves some recognition. Imagine the added energy boost and strength that you get by giving yourself credit regularly! The problem is that we don’t always take a moment for a personal High Five. Let’s figure out how to change that.

My parents are retired educators who set extremely high expectations at work and at home. They hold themselves to lofty standards and expect so much from my siblings and me, too. I became an educator for a time, and that experience reinforced the value of setting high expectations for teaching and learning and personal conduct. Most people want an opportunity to “rise to the occasion” and are happy to strive toward lofty goals. Reasonable challenges that stretch our intelligence, knowledge and skills are engaging and give us such a tremendous shot of self-confidence when we hit the mark. The problem may be created from not stopping often enough along the way and celebrating as we march to the top. If the expectation for attainment is just relentless and you never seem to have enough or give enough, you may literally kill your enthusiasm for the goal altogether.

Give Yourself Credit then. Give yourself a High Five for the baby steps and big strides that move you closer to your goals. You don’t need a party planner and a lavish budget. I’m not talking about your clicking over to Travelocity to book a trip and take a week off (although you’re perfectly welcome to do just that if you need a break and have the extra cash). Just remember while you’re setting lofty goals and focusing on elevating your sense of self-worth that you need to celebrate the moments along the way when you recognize real change and feel some affirmation that you’re on your way. Smile and congratulate yourself more often. Every day in every way you are getting better and better.

With Love and Light,

Doctor Mell

Science is forming stronger and stronger links between mindfulness and well-being. Mindfulness is the practice of focusing on the present moment with purpose but without judgment. While Buddhism is chiefly responsible for the cultivation of mindfulness, most religions promote some form of prayer or meditation that helps shift a person’s perspective from dwelling on negative thoughts to a greater appreciation of life in the present. The work of Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts brought “mindfulness meditation” into a more mainstream acceptance and shows how physical and psychological pain can be reduced and general health and wellness can be improved.

Remember the Five Habits of Happiness from my former blog-series? Connect, Be Active, Take Notice, Keep Learning, Give. Here’s how the practice of mindfulness meditation works with each step to elevate your life’s happiness quotient.

People who are focused on the present recognize the value of forming deep Connections with others and feel joy from their bonds with family and friends. People who are mindful recognize the power of Connecting and cultivate healthy relationships—Step One.

People who are mindful are less shackled by the regrets of their past and the worries about the future. They can Be Active, becoming enthusiastically engaged in activities and experiencing the physical and psychological boosts from a brisk walk, a bike ride or twirling happily on a dance floor—Step Two. See the nice connections now?

Mindfulness meditation is the practice of Taking Notice. People who are mindful savor the pleasures of life as they occur and enjoy a purer experience at the sight of a rose trellis in full bloom, the smell of home-cooked food in a bright kitchen or the feel of the cool side of the pillow. Step Three.

People who are mindful Keep Learning. Like Connecting and Being Active, people who continue to be engaged in learning stay more vital and mentally fit. Staying curious about life and other cultures and the vast worlds within and around us requires a mental alertness that exercises “mindfulness muscles” continuously. That’s Step Four.

Finally, people who practice mindfulness are always watchful for opportunities to Give. They are conscious of how giving of their time and talents not only benefits others but comes back to them in rich blessings, too. Giving and receiving completes a critical cycle of life and builds resiliency, creating personal strength and the willingness to accept help from others with grace.

I aspire to elevate my own life by drawing more and more on the power of mindfulness. Seeing the way it fits so neatly into the Five Habits gives me ideas to pursue and a simple focus.

With Love and Light,

Doctor Mell

Since we’re on the subject of gratitude, let me share the story of Martin Seligman’s famous “Thank You” Letter Experiment. The results prove a direct link between gratitude and happiness, and besides, you may be inspired.

Here’s some background: Dr. Martin Seligman is a renowned psychologist and, along with several key players, was instrumental in bringing professional prestige and global recognition to the study of positive psychology. In 1998, when Dr. Seligman assumed the presidency of the American Psychology Association, he used his considerable influence from that position to create a new branch within the study of psychology whose primary mission, role and scope was directed toward well-being. Incredible, right? For centuries, psychological study and practice was focused almost entirely on disease and disorder.

After this auspicious start, Dr. Seligman and his colleagues at U Penn, among many others, have studied the impact of various approaches to improving human well-being from the foundation of positive psychology, and one of the studies was on the power of gratitude on happiness. During the course of a week, the study subjects (over 400 people) were asked to write a heartfelt and highly descriptive letter of gratitude to someone whom they’d never properly thanked and to deliver the letter personally. Each subject was to ask for a personal meeting with the recipient without revealing the reason for the visit and, then during the face-to-face visit, read the letter aloud. The results were astounding. The letter writers and recipients exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores and a decrease in depression scores immediately after the exercise, and they sustained a continued benefit for over a month after the visit. The “Thank You” Letter Exercise had a greater impact that any other “happiness” intervention studied by Seligman’s group (Siegel, 2009).

Other researchers have gone on to mimic this study’s results and reinforce its findings, and other studies suggest that sending or delivering the letter are not necessarily essential to a measurable gain in happiness. “Gratitude Letter” writers experience a happiness boost by writing to someone who is deceased or cannot be reached.

How touching and significant: expressing and receiving gratitude can both bring a heightened sense of happiness! Try this if you’d like to explore more opportunities to enrich your well-being with gratitude: set aside a few minutes each day and write down five things—large or small—for which you’re grateful. You may think of a trusted friend you appreciate or a chance encounter that warmed your heart or a beautiful view. As you write, try to be very specific and relive the sensations that you felt. When you remember the whole experience—the sights, smells, sounds and textures from the gratitude moment—you enhance the memory grooves in your brain and increase the chance that the happiness will linger.

Sandwich your days with your own “Thank You” exercises. Start your day with a meditative moment of thanks—whether you have journaling time or not. If you’re too tired to write in your Gratitude Journal one evening, try another approach: speak or silently focus your list of five “Thank Yous” as a practice, making it part of an evening recitation or prayer. Science tells us there’s a happiness boost when you make appreciation a habit. 

With Love and Light,

Doctor Mell

——————–

Siegel, R (2009). Positive psychology: Harnessing the power of happiness, personal strength, and mindfulness. Special Health Report. Harvard Medical School, Harvard University. <www.health.harvard.edu>

In positive psychology research, gratitude is a quality that’s very strongly and consistently associated with happiness. People who simply acknowledge the goodness in their lives feel a deeper connection to their own feelings and dreams, to other people and to a power greater than themselves (ed. Siegel, 2009). Since happiness can be cultivated by developing new habits that breed more joy and fulfillment in your life, why not begin to build up your gratitude muscles and happiness factor with some easy exercises?

Some people inject more appreciation into their lives by thinking about family members, mentors and friends for whom they’re grateful, so do this simple exercise. Conjure up the image of someone in your life you’re grateful for right now and give time and focus to this exercise. The key is to revive as much depth of feeling for this person and what he or she has given you as possible. The details enrich the experience in your brain and make it more likely that the happiness will linger after the exercise is over. Let’s say that there’s a teacher you had in school who helped you build your self-esteem and inspired a passion within you to serve other people. Does her memory make you smile? make you sit a little taller in your chair and pull your shoulders back and pick your chin up a little higher?

Feel the pride and affirmation of your self-worth change your facial expression and your posture. Can you visualize this teacher’s physical appearance and mannerisms, or better yet, can you visualize her classroom and place yourself there in your memory with your school friends seated around you and the positive energy there? Re-create the memory in your mind. You feel grateful to have been in her sphere of influence and really fortunate to have had the notice and positive attention of someone so generous and kind. Feel it. She challenged you to do your best, and you worked hard to meet her high expectations. Look at the gold star on your paper; you earned that!

Surely, you’re smiling now. The time you spend in activities like this helps you take time to focus on what you have instead of on what you lack. Gratitude Moments let you step off of the “hamster wheel of modern life” that may have you focused on striving and just let you relish in appreciation and affirmation. This new habit teaches your brain to stop periodically and truly appreciate the love you feel and the life you live and the successes you’ve attained along the way. In recognizing the goodness in life, you love and esteem yourself and, at the same time, recognize that you’re connected to something larger than your own experience—other people, the natural world or a higher power. Amazingly, that deep feeling of gratitude radiates from you out into the rest of our world and benefits humankind and improves our planet, so thank you.

With Gratitude,

Doctor Mell

_____________

Siegel, R (2009). Positive psychology: Harnessing the power of happiness, personal strength, and mindfulness. Special Health Report. Harvard Medical School, Harvard University. <www.health.harvard.edu>

People who feel pinched by difficult circumstances or just mildly unsatisfied with the way life is going need some reliable tools to nurture hope. Since science tells us that we can willfully and dynamically change about 40 percent of our thinking and, as a by-product, our circumstances, how do successful, happy people nurture the hope within their own 40 percent? If you can grow it, how?

Surely, day-to-day stressors and especially serious trouble can dampen hope, but many people who define themselves as happy warriors find ways to sustain hope through difficult days and, in many cases, a string of difficult days. Nurturing hope is a habit, and happy people do some or all of these things to build hope in their lives.

• Set goals and draw up a clear and direct plan to achieve them.
• Envision the future you want, combining high expectations with a realistic plan of attack.
• Develop the skills and talents you need to reach your goals.
• Think outside the box, using creative ideas to kick obstacles out of your way.
• Avoid negative people, stories, news, or movies; steer clear of anyone or anything that robs you of positive energy.
• Don’t get in a rush. Have compassion for yourself and others. Hope will return and remain if given the room and time to expand. (McDermott & Snyder, 1999)

To assess your current state of hopefulness and level of life satisfaction, go to www.authentichappiness.org. This UPenn website, directed by the brilliant Dr. Martin Seligman, one of the most prominent scholars of positive psychology, is a fantastic source of information about you, and who isn’t endlessly fascinated with himself or herself? I know I love to discover all of the wonderful things about me. Seriously, the index page will link you to lots of captivating and informative surveys, tests and questionnaires to measure your happiness and sense of well-being.

Have Hope, My Friend!

Doctor Mell

——————-

McDermott, D & Synder, C R (1999). Making hope happen: A workbook for turning possibilities into reality. New Harbinger.