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Much like gratitude, practicing kindness can make your life richer and add to your ability to truly flourish. Huge positive gains have been measured in gratitude studies, both for the study participants asked to express their appreciation and for the people who receive their thanks. “The Gratitude Letter” is a commonly used coaching activity that creates this marvelous exchange of gratitude and affirmation (Lyubomirsky et al, 2004).

Kindness fosters similar sorts of gestures and positive feelings, so you might assume that random acts of kindness create win-win situations, but you might also be surprised at the complexities at work in how people feel and why they act kindly.

Since the 1980s, researchers have conducted more than 25 significant studies exploring empathy and altruistic acts of kindness, questioning two sides of an interesting debate: (1) Do people perform acts of kindness purely for their selfish benefit—to boost their egos or avoid feeling guilty for not showing empathy; or (2) Do people act kindly from genuine feelings of empathy, making personal sacrifices for selfless and altruistic reasons? It’s a fascinating debate if you like to analyze why people feel the way they feel or do what they do. One of my go-to experts on positive psychology, Dr. Ben Dean, has explored the debate from research and practice.

According to Dean, the theory of “universal egoism” holds that every act of kindness is ultimately done for self-satisfaction. He cites Batson and others (2002) from a lengthy study in which they established three primary reasons why people perform kindnesses for their own benefit:

• Helping a homeless person or comforting a grieving friend relieves the physical and psychological discomfort we feel when someone else needs support;
• Helping someone else allows us to avoid the shame and disapproval of loved ones, friends or peers; and
• Helping someone else—especially someone most likely to reciprocate—allows us to build social goodwill and potential benefits, too.

These three explanations make sense logically, but don’t fully explain why people sometimes take great personal risk: pulling a perfect stranger from a fiery wreck or overpowering a mugger who assaults a disabled person or a child. Why are Good Samaritans so good?

Research from studies compiled over the last 30 years supports the other side of the debate: that most people are motivated to selflessly relieve the suffering of others if they can. Consider these explanations in support of this: If relieving the tension from physical and psychological discomfort was our sole aim, we would most often escape the situation and run the other direction. Time and time again, studies reveal that avoiding social shame and disapproval—social sanctions—don’t explain why we commit random and deliberate acts of kindness. Studies also substantiate that, whether we feel certain that our kindness will be reciprocated or not, we feel kindly toward others and extend a helping hand, a hot meal or often much more.

Clearly, science supports our elemental need to feel empathy for someone else’s suffering and to act kindly to alleviate it. Kindness then, like gratitude, is an emotion and an impulse to act that is soulfully human and fosters positive emotion, the potential for authentic connection with others, and a limitless spring of satisfaction and goodwill.

Be kind to yourself and others then. Naturally, you will.

With Love and Light,

Dr Mell

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Batson, C D, Ahmad, N, Lishner, D A & Tsang, J (2002). Empathy and altruism. In C R Snyder & S L Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 485-498). New York: Oxford University Press.

Lyubomirsky, S, Tkach, C & Sheldon, K M (2004). Pursuing sustained happiness through random acts of kindness and counting one’s blessings: Tests of two six-week interventions. Unpublished data, Department of Psychology, University of California, Riverside.

All the Best Always! Dr Mell

Dr Mell_Letting Go 031912

CLICK ABOVE and VIEW     DR MELL!

Attachment to pleasure and ultimately to life itself is our inborn survival instinct. We necessarily attach ourselves to food, shelter and clothing to sustain and protect our lives. The trouble with attaching to life or pleasure or other people means we cling to suffering instead of living in love and light. Life ends, pleasure is fleeting and our relationships with other people begin and end, too.

A clever and very telling illustration of attachment trouble is the story of A Monkey Trap:

In the south of India, people used to catch monkeys in a very special way. Actually, they let monkeys catch themselves. What they did was cut a small hole in a coconut, just large enough for a monkey to put its hand in, and then, fix the coconut to a tree and fill it with a sweet. The monkey smelled the sweet and squeezed his hand into the coconut, grabbing the sweet. When he tried to take the sweet, he found that his fist did not fit through the hole. Time after time, the monkey refused to let go of the sweet and held himself prisoner until he was caught. (Chodron)

Our very survival depends on grasping and letting go: think of a little baby learning to feed herself as she reaches with her open hand and grasps a crisp green bean with her tiny fist, puts the food in her mouth and reaches out with her open hand to grasp another bite.

Love and pleasure and material possessions and a whole host of other things in life can only provide us with well-being and life satisfaction if we learn how to grasp and let go. We experience deep and loving hugs from our sweethearts or close friends by holding tightly and letting go, enjoying affirmation in a loving embrace. If I cling to someone I love, I smother my freedom to give and receive. If I cling to my material possessions and define my worth by the quantity and quality of my “stuff,” I smother my freedom to give and receive and crush my ability to truly esteem myself.

A few years ago, my little girl had become a woman and was engaged to marry a kind and handsome young man. My little girl I’d watched with love and adoration as she learned to eat her green beans and shine at her dance recitals and march in graduations with her honors class was getting married and moving from my home forever. What was my unattached and loving heart to do? I held her closely and kissed her cheek and let her go, smiling through and through as she walked confidently toward her new life and her own expanding joy.

My Monkey Ways? Believe me, I’m not perfect. For a fleeting moment when my daughter announced her engagement, I thought: My “sweet” is stuck in that coconut, and I must take her and keep her. But how could I? She was never mine, and my detachment was the most loving thing I could do for both of us. In life’s most spectacular passages and the smallest ones day-to-day, I aspire to be the best me I can be—and limit my monkeying around for times of pure pleasure.

With a Deep and Loving Hug,

Dr Mell

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Chodron, P (2007). Always maintain a joyful mind. Shambhala. http://pemachodron.org

If you’re not celebrating yourself every day, tell me this: what are you waiting on?

Up Top! Affirmation

Let me remind you of a metaphor that I like to use to draw people a picture of Possibility Thinking: your mind receives and holds negative information like Velcro and positive information like Teflon. It is proven science, and it is a measurable piece of brain research that I treat as a big, yummy piece of motivation. So what, Science? So what if my brain grabs on and clings to negative stuff and pays less attention to the positive stuff?
I defy you, Science! I defy you, Brain!

The victory is in the numbers. You defy the brain and its pattern behavior by overloading it with positive affirmations and possibility thinking to top up your brain like your coffee cup. You defy brain science by sending it three times the amount of positive input to negative. Three times is the optimum ratio—3 to 1. I’m sending twelve men out on the field, and I’m defying the refs to throw a flag. My aim every day is to provide three times the amount of positive input into my brain to counterbalance its pattern to grab on to the negative stuff.
Without getting into the weeds with psychological research, the 3-to-1 Ratio of positive-to -negative input defines the connection with positive communication and flourishing called the Losada Ratio.

Based on extensive research, Barbara Frederickson, a research scientist at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, found that companies with a better than 2.9:1 ratio of positive to negative statements in business meetings are flourishing. Below that ratio, they are not doing well economically. Though there is a limit (if the ratio is above 13:1, relationships become aimless and credibility is lost). She calls this the “Losada Ratio,” named for her colleague, Marcial Losada, who discovered the relationship between positive interactions and economic well-being (2011).

This 3:1 Positive:Negative Factor is a defiant strategy that UPs the amount of positive reinforcement you receive, improving your ability to flourish, and it is especially important for people who ruminate. Does your brain follow a negative thought “down a rabbit hole” until it often reaches some dire, doomsday scenario of horrible happenings? If so, you may be ruminating and spending way too much time and energy feeding your brain’s natural pattern to grasp and cling to negative thinking. I’m no mathematician, but you could be ratcheting up your brain’s negative-to-positive imbalance exponentially! You definitely need some cognitive training to (a) become more aware of your thinking on the edge of that rabbit hole and (b) divert your attention to possibility thinking.

Divert your attention with lots of affirmation about your signature strengths, your fantastic talents, your knowledge and expertise, your finely honed skills and abilities. If all you can control is where you focus your attention, control your thinking, your Losada Ratio, your well-being and your destiny by focusing on your strengths. Celebrate the Unique and Marvelous You many times a day each day, and before long, you’ll be in the habit of loving yourself more and lifting yourself up, and you won’t be waiting on anything or anyone else to take care that each day you’re improving your well-being and your ability to flourish.
Up Top, Baby! High Five! You’re Fierce, Compassionate, Beautiful and Brave!

All the Best Each Day,

Dr Mell
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Fredrickson (2011). qtd. in What’s your Losada ratio? http://inspireachieve.com.au/communication/whats-your-losada-ratio

The happy news is that you can activate yourself to be healthier and use your creative power to visualize A Better You as a way to a healthier life. Your own experience and buckets of research on health and wellness tell you that building healthier habits isn’t easy, but that doesn’t have to deter you from your health and wellness goals. There are five steps you can follow now that will help you start and sustain good health practices now.

Step 1: Take A Measure
You start down a path to better health choices—especially if you’re 50 or older or haven’t had a good general check-up in awhile—by consulting your doctor and taking a measure of your overall health. Here’s a word of caution from the experts though: let your test results motivate you rather than create needless worry. Collect your results for blood pressure, cholesterol and bone density and keep moving toward a healthier you. Don’t get bogged down in numbers. Keep your eyes on the prize: you want to feel better, eat better, feel more fit and be more active.

Step 2: Set Priorities
Decide the health goals that you want to pursue. What is your aim? To lose weight, build muscle or increase your flexibility? One way to set your priorities for a healthier you is to follow some advice from Dr. Deepak Chopra called “Sweet Spots and Hot Spots.” Here’s how this works: make two lists labeled Sweet Spots and Hot Spots. The list of Sweet Spots includes things that give you joy like spending time with your family or pursuing your favorite hobby. The list of Hot Spots includes things that make you feel anxious or unhappy like struggling to get a good night’s sleep or eating a rich dessert when you already feel full from the meal. Use the information you gather from these two lists to identify the health and wellness priorities that motivate you toward your best life.

Step 3: Visualize a Healthier You
This useful tool is one that is commonly used by Strength and Conditioning Coaches who prepare professional athletes for competition. Visualize how you look and feel when you choose healthier habits: see a thinner, fitter, happier You munching healthy snacks at a relaxed picnic on a sunny day or riding your bicycle along a beautiful, tree-lined bike path or slipping into your smart-looking walking shoes for a brisk walk in fresh air. People change when they meet and conquer challenges, so use the power of visualization to strengthen your resolve and picture yourself healthier and happier.

Step 4: Embrace Steady Change
Define the victories you celebrate by making peace with incremental changes: skip red meat for a week or put your fork down halfway through each meal, breathe deeply and assess whether you’re still hungry or full and satisfied. Over time, you’ll notice the step-by-step changes occurring in your body and brain. Health and wellness experts tell us that the key to becoming healthier is to become more aware. Predict when you know you’re tempted to skip your workout and invent a strategy to outmaneuver yourself. If you hit the snooze button when you really want to exercise before work, put your exercise clothes across the room from your bed and set your alarm clock on top of them.

Step 5: Reward Yourself for Good Behavior
Change isn’t easy. As the saying goes, the only people who like change are wet babies. Treat yourself as you change your less-than-healthy habits to healthier ones and reinforce the good choices you’re beginning to make. The key is to choose healthy rewards that build your confidence and happiness quotient even more. In the past, if you’ve indulged yourself on a weight-loss diet with negative rewards like a slice of calorie-rich cake or an order of greasy French fries, choose better now. Instead of eating sugary or fatty treats, play a game or dance to some funky music.

These five steps will help you create a healthier you in no time. The keys to making lasting change are repetition and time to adjust. Visualize and celebrate your short- and long-term successes, make better choices, and be confident and happy that you’re already becoming a healthier, happier you.

Cheers!

Dr Mell

Prudent people always try not to speak about what someone else should do or needs or ought to do, but I’m setting prudence aside to tell you: Dear Friend, You Need to Play More. Living a life of well-being in which you feel fully and happily engaged means Finding Flow and exploring the experiences that transport you—finding the activities that engage you so completely that space and time fall away and you’re completely captivated.
Your BEST life needs to have a healthy balance of work and play, including time spent finding as many ways as possible to meld the two. Consider the man the Chinese poet Lu Yu describes in the poem “Written in a Carefree Mood”:

Old man pushing seventy.

In truth he acts like a little boy,

Whooping with delight when he spies some mountain fruits,

Laughing with joy, tagging after village mummers;

With the others having fun stacking tiles to make a pagoda,

Standing alone staring at his image in the jardinière pool.

Tucked under his arm, a battered book to read,

Just like the time he first set out to school.

The man “approaching seventy” is the adult in flow who nurtures the childlike spirit in his mind and body, staying present with the sensations of sight, sound, touch and taste that delight and sustain him. Nothing pleases me more than to count on being able to cultivate a childlike joy of life and love until I’m 100 and more.

Tap into what you enjoyed as a child to re-discover how and what you love. I grew up loving to dance and sing in the wild winds that usher in a thunderstorm. Often, in springtime in the Deep South, mild temperatures on unseasonably warm days clash with cooler weather, and we have a thunderstorm like none other. In the hour or so before the rain, brilliant lightning scrawls across the sky, thunder claps and rolls, and the wind grows stronger as inky-black clouds gather, the wind whipping the tree branches frantically this way and that. As a child, I was completely transported in the midst of this fire and fury, barefoot in the cool grass, twirling round and round with my arms flung out like a skinny little windmill, spinning and singing as my whole body and spirit felt “borne aloft,” as Keats says. I was a whirling dervish of pure joy, deeply connected to my earth ancestry and lighted attached to the power and the glory.

When I want to reach within and call up my inner child and her free and marvelous spirit, I close my eyes and imagine twirling and singing outside before a spring storm, and I’m reminded and gratified that I can conjure up the soulful part of me who is still a carefree, happy girl. She is the girl who helps me continue to find flow, and I adore her.

Reach back to the power and glory of your playful years—to the lighthearted spirit of your childhood self—and become aware of the warmth in your heart and the lingering smile on your face and the golden aura that surrounds your blessed and beautiful soul. In these ways, we live forever.

Starting Now,

Dr Mell

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Yu, Lu. “Written in a Carefree Mood.” Poems on aging. The Academy of American Poets. Poets.Org

The most recent brain research is so powerful: evidence shows that your brain can learn to ignore distractions, helping you develop more focus and more creativity. When people are turning to Sudoku or doses of gingko biloba to stay mentally sharp, 50-somethings take heart: you can brain-train easily for greater mental acuity. The three steps to harnessing this power are described in a recent article from The Harvard Business Review. Create new habits to train your brain for sharper focus.

Quiet the Chaos

Modern life—plugged into iPhones, Androids, big-screen TVs and such—can create such a frenzy that even the most Zen-like persona can become anxious, agitated and distracted. The negativity from this emotional overload interferes with the human brain’s ability to solve problems and think critically. POSITIVE emotions and possibility thinking do the opposite; they improve the brain’s problem-solving function and help with strategic and creative thinking.

Since negative thoughts stick to the brain like Velcro and positive thoughts fall away like Teflon-coating, you must boost your Losada Ratio (check yours now). Mathematically, you need a 3:1 Positive-to-Negative Ratio to quiet the chaos and release the negativity. Evidence proves that exercise, meditation and plenty of good sleep increase positivity. Take Notice. Become more aware when an irritating person or situation begins to grate on your nerves, and do this: acknowledge the feelings, take a few deep breaths and let those toxic feelings go.

Slow It Down

Our brains are constantly scanning our interior and exterior domains, but when we need to focus, our brains can stop distractions—thoughts, feelings or unnecessary actions. Try what therapists describe as the ABC Method to stop interrupters: A_become AWARE of your choices to pay attention or ignore; B_BREATHE deeply to physically switch your circuits while you’re weighing your options; and C_CHOOSE thoughtfully: will you pay attention to the distraction or ignore it?

Practice Shifting Sets

If you stall out, try the simple method of set-shifting, and “Take a physical break.” The strategy of set-shifting means getting physical: moving your body to allow it to overcome your mind. Let’s say that you’re in a group meeting, and the energy and ideation stalls out. Take a five-minute break and require everyone to do something physical (not run out to check their e-mails). These breaks lead to better energy and ideas when you reconvene. Whether you’re aware of it or not, while you’re on a walk or spending a few minutes stretching or climbing the stairs, your mind uses the physical “Focus Break” to continue working on the problem.

So, c’mon! Capitalize on the latest trends in brain training, and teach your brain to ignore distractions and focus better. Tame the frenzy, put on the brakes and do some set-shifting. It’s science that works.

Happily yours,

Dr Mell

Dr Mell

P.S. Good News! Ipsos Global, a marketing research firm with 24 years of experience measuring human well-being for worldwide reporting, indicates that people around the globe say they are happier than they were in 2007. Happier! Despite devastating natural disasters and serious economic, social and political unrest, people say they are happier: Here’s the Evidence from NBC News

The activity of professional coaching is based on making a connection: partnering with a trusted coach in the cultivation and celebration of cherished dreams. As a strengths-based coach in positive psychology, I connect with people who want to connect—and increase their well-being and experience more joy and more life satisfaction and feel fully alive. Humor me then and read along to explore how connecting—building relationships and fostering community–makes life richer.

Making genuine connections involves these two activities: building relationships and fostering community. They are very distinct: one builds relationships between people and fosters community among people. Together, they contribute to well-being by allowing us to feel love, empathy and a sense of belonging. Studies show that for most people who are 50-something and older the social interaction during exercise in a group class or on a walk with a buddy is as critical as the health benefit of the activity itself (Haupt). Connecting to others helps us feel bonded and safe and happier.

The most powerful tool that we have to measure your strengths and begin our work together in my practice is the VIA Character Survey*. Once we’ve had our first discussion about your goals for coaching and what you wish to accomplish from our work together, I will ask you to complete the VIA Survey and share the results with me. (There are 24 signature strengths that you’ll identify from your survey responses, yet I’ve found it most effective to work with clients on their Top Five.) Once we’ve discussed your survey results and determined the goals you’d like to achieve regarding Connecting, these are the signature strengths from the survey that are most critical: strengths of humanity—love, kindness and social intelligence; and strengths of justice—citizenship, fairness and leadership (Biswas-Diener & Dean). The VIA Survey is free; why don’t you click on the website and take it now? It only takes 15-20 minutes to take it and collect your results. http://www.authentichappiness.org

If you’ve taken the VIA Survey, you already know how powerful that single tool is in self-discovery and in moving you closer to enjoying rich connections in your life. Once we’re working together, I may also recommend two other instruments that help you explore Connecting: the Close Relationship Questionnaire and the Compassionate Love Scale (on the same UPenn website). In addition to your signature strengths, these two tools help you measure your values to attachment and your tendencies to support, help and understand other people.

Connecting is so critical to the human experience and an essential aspect of increasing well-being in your life. Depending on your goals and signature strengths, we can cultivate ways for you to feel deeper love, empathy and support in your relationships with family and friends and more connection with your community at work, near home or online. On your own or with a life coach, I hope you find the rich and wonderful relationships you seek.

With Loving Kindness,

Dr Mell

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Biswas-Diener, R & Dean, B (2007). Positive psychology coaching: Putting the science of happiness to work for your clients. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley & Sons.

Haupt, A (2011). “Eleven health habits that will help you live to 100.” http://health.msn.com/healthy-living/11-health-habits-that-will-help-you-live-to-100 qtd. from Kotz, D. 20 Feb 2009. U.S. News & World Report.

*VIA Character Survey at http://www.authentichappiness.org

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In a recent publication on the topic of Living Long and Well*, one of the top health habits suggested to readers who want to blow out the birthday-cake candles on their 100^th is to “be less neurotic.” Most of the article is based on exhaustive studies on aging conducted by Thomas Perls, a renowned research scientist at Boston University School of Medicine. The “be less neurotic” health habit is as useful to us in terms of improving our well-being and extending our lives as the time-worn tips that readers may gloss over—ones including: get more exercise, get more sleep, and eat less fat, sugar and salt.

Have doubts about the connection between “letting go” and living longer? Consider the results from a comprehensive new study on centenarians showing that they “tend not to internalize things or dwell on their troubles….They are great at rolling with the punches” (Perls, qtd in Kotz). Add this statistic to the results from many smaller studies that document the health effects of effective stress management in improving the quality and length of human life—practices including yoga, meditation, tai chi, or just deep breathing—and you have compelling science and a reason to find more ways to “let go.” Over-thinking or ruminating about the past and how and why things went wrong contributes to needless worry, saps your energy and spirit and shortens our lives.

Why not choose to dwell on self-compassion as a start? How about letting go of the negative way you treat yourself: focusing more on being kind to yourself and less on shaming and blaming yourself for bad choices? You’ll feel better right away and begin to extend your life and the sweetness of it, too.

Living longer with a greater sense of well-being on that sweet journey requires you to stop suffering for the sake of suffering and love yourself more. If you still have doubt, read Buddha’s Brain (Harmon & Mendius, 2009), an informative and thoughtful book that documents recent breakthroughs in brain research and explains the way to use prayer or meditations—call them directed exercises if that’s more comfortable—to help you use your mind to change your brain. This book isn’t doctrine or a recruiting tool for religion. Here’s a quote directly from the premise:

Jesus, Moses, the Buddha and other great teachers were born with brains built essentially like anyone else’s. Then they used their minds to change their brains in ways that changed history. With the new breakthroughs in neuroscience, combined with the insights from thousands of years of contemplative practice, you too can shape your own brain for greater happiness, love and wisdom. (Foreword)

If you’re a practicing Christian, Jew, Hindu or Muslim and want to “be less neurotic,” the directed exercises in Buddha’s Brain are adaptive to your prayer rituals, promoting a better, longer, more fruitful life and showing you mindful practice for self-enrichment and well-being.

In Buddhism suffering is the result of craving expressed through Three Poisons: greed, hatred and delusion. You suffer from your head and heart if you harbor any hate for yourself and fail to treat yourself with loving kindness. Self-compassion, not self-pity, simply means extending warmth, concern and good wishes to yourself as a natural response to suffering—your own ruminating, over-thinking suffering! Practicing meditation, prayer, yoga or tai chi are loving gestures that foster kindness and comfort and add more years to your life.

Your practice in “letting go” doesn’t need to be connected to any religion at all. You might simply follow the recommendation with scientific support to use meditation or pure relaxation time as time to free yourself of needless worry and pointless ruminating. Consider “being less neurotic” so that you take better care of yourself and add more years to your life and more life to your years.

With Loving Kindness,

Dr Mell

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Hanson, R & Mendius, R (2009). Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom. New Harbinger Publications.

Kotz, D (2009). “Eleven health habits that will help you live to 100.” U.S. News & World Report, 20 February. http://health.msn.com/healthy-living/11-health-habits-that-will-help-you-live-to-100