My passion for discovery is often ignited by a concept I’ve never fully explored; that’s how I arrived here. Through my years of mentoring and coaching, I’ve had many conversations about self-esteem. Who wouldn’t get a boost from some extra self-esteem? In building my practice and expanding my skills set in applied positive psychology, I wanted to discover what the literature reveals about a person’s capacity to build self-esteem and the link to positive psychology. The link turns out to be persistence.

Dean (2006) writes a compelling case for persistence and the development of self-esteem by compiling several studies that explore goal-setting. He cites the definition of persistence from Peterson and Seligman (2004, 229) as a “voluntary continuation of a goal-directed action in spite of obstacles, difficulties or discouragement.” Like Thomas Edison, who reportedly put more than 6,000 substances to the test before discovering carbonized filament for his light bulb, we demonstrate real persistence only if the goal presents a challenge. People tend to persist longer at solving problems when they are told that what they are doing is difficult as opposed to easy (Starnes, 1983; Frankel, 1978). Persistence builds self-esteem when there is measurable evidence that a person has persevered toward an estimable goal despite setbacks and disappointments, keeping his/her eyes on a reasonable but somewhat illusive prize.

There’s a direct connection to positive psychology and well-being from this. In his seminal work Flourish, Seligman expands on his earlier concepts by using the acronym PERMA to more fully define “Well-being” by establishing these five factors: Positive emotion, Engagement, positive Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment. These five factors are now widely accepted as the elements of human well-being, and Accomplishment is the tie-in to persistence and self-esteem. A person who persists to attain challenging goals, past distractions and hardships, increases self-esteem and learns the value of Accomplishment.

How interesting that challenge is a linchpin in fostering persistence, building self-esteem and in finding flow. Challenge protects our egos while we strive: there is little shame at failing to achieve a difficult task. Persisting to complete a challenging task boosts our self-worth. Challenge prevents us from getting bored or distracted as well, providing the special ingredient in an activity for which time and physical conditions seem to fall away, transporting us with the powerful feeling of flow. Fascinating.

How can you develop persistence and pump up your self-esteem? Consider one or more of these suggestions from Dr. Jonathan Haidt (a psychologist at the University of Virginia):

• Set a goal and create a plan to stick to it.
• Start using a time management tool (e.g. daily planner or Google calendar). Find a system for you and really use it.
• Finish a project ahead of time.
• Take notice of your thoughts about stopping a task and make an effort to dismiss them. Just focus on the task at hand.
• Each morning, make a list of things you want to accomplish that you could put off until the next day. Make sure you get those things done and checked off of your list.

With Happy Thoughts of Your Success,

Dr Mell

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Dean, B (2006). “Persistence.” Authentic Happiness Coaching Newsletter.http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/newsletter.aspx?id=73

Frankel, A & Snyder, M L (1978). “Poor performance following unsolvable problems: Learned helplessness or egotism? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36, 1415-1423.

Haidt, J (2010). qtd. in “Persistence.” Authentic Happiness Coaching Newsletter. http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/newsletter.aspx?id=73

Peterson, C & Seligman, M E P (2004). “Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60, 229-30.

Seligman, M E P (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. New York: Free Press.

Starnes, D & Zinser, O (1983). “The effect of problem difficulty, locus of control, and sex on task persistence.” Journal of General Psychology, 108, 249-255.

I recommend you read an article in Sunday’s New York Times* that debunks the myths about mid-life and middle-aged people, suggesting that 50-Somethings are more self-satisfied and life-satisfied than popular culture would have us believe. A healthy perspective on life, earned from a range of experiences, allows most 50-Somethings to arrive at the beginning of another new year blessed with a generous amount of depth.

Once you’ve attended many New Year’s Eve parties and written more resolutions than you can recall, you’re old enough to have phrases like “Drink Less” or “Quit Smoking” or “Exercise More” show up on your resolutions list for the third time or maybe the tenth. When your 50^th or your 70^th is just around the corner, you’ve celebrated enough new years to join an elite group of People with Depth, and as the commercial suggests, membership has its privileges. Membership in The Silver Sages offers opportunity for a realistic new start: an enlightened and enthusiastic embrace of change and personal growth.

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The reality for you in 2012 may be that you’re deeply involved in healing and recovery. A woman I know well who’s approaching 50 copes every day with chronic migraine pain and emotional issues related to her illness. **Grace-Anne was forced to accept disability retirement two years ago when her pain prevented her from being able to get to work—work that she was exceptionally good at and loved. In 2012, she is seeking comfort and peace from the physical and emotional tsunami of chronic illness. Bart, a 50 year-old single friend of mine, is battling mesothelioma while grieving the death of his father, his former care-giver and travel companion to out-of-state treatment, after he died suddenly of a terrible illness. Although Bart’s beating the odds against a devastating diagnosis, he struggles with pain and nausea from the illness and chemotherapy. Another dear friend, Celeste—an accomplished and beautiful mother of four and wife of 32 years—is coming to terms with betrayal after discovering her husband’s extramarital affair and sadness over the end of their long marriage. She is processing a whole range of emotions as she navigates the death of an old dream and the birth of a new one.

Your reality may be less dramatic—but stress-filled nonetheless. In 2012, you find yourself feeling the responsibility of aging parents, of parenting grown or nearly grown children and/or of helping grown children raise your grandchildren. No wonder The Silver Sages dwell in what some sociologists call “The Crunch Generation.” Yes, these relationships are nurtured in the normal course of life, but that doesn’t discount how much stress they can create. A 55 year-old client of mine was on-schedule to launch her own business when the economy tanked in the fall of 2008. Callie has a well-paying job in a profession she still enjoys, but just as she shelved her dream temporarily, her parents moved to an assisted-living facility and her 22 year-old son left college to join a rock band.

Silver Sages—facing a new year of serious health challenge or midlife stress—courageously look forward to a new beginning in a new year. The statistics suggest that mid-life is a time of momentous arrival, when serious challenges or everyday stressors are managed with relative balance and wisdom and a great deal of self-knowledge. Mid-life, it turns out, is a time of triumph over life obstacles, large and small.

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I thought you’d like that message, whether you’re a member of The Silver Sages or not. Life is change, and those of us at mid-life are perfectly suited for physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Be happy and grateful that you’ve attained this elevated status: you’re the best and bravest You you’ve ever been.

Happy New Year, Indeed!

Dr Mell

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*Cohen, P (2012, Jan 8). “Get a midlife.” Sunday Review_The Opinion Pages, The New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/sunday-review/get-a-midlife.html?scp=1&sq=get%20a%20midlife&st=cse

**fictional names used to protect privacy

Every time I have proofed something for my blog over the last several weeks, that’s what I hear when I read through it: “Yadda, yadda, buh buh buh. Nothing, nothing…nothing really here.” This is some of the most frustrated I have ever felt in my life, and my uncharacteristic reactions have really surprised me–like the disappearance of verve and my voice in my writing. In the past when I was upset, I could write with energy and focus, but this glitch is something brand-new.

My Mother died at the end of this summer. Her death wasn’t unexpected, for Heaven’s sake: she’d already conquered colon cancer in 2001 before being diagnosed with breast cancer about five years ago, in 2006. Still, all of the clichéd maxims about death and dying and love and loss continue to ring true: “No matter how much you think you’re prepared for a loved one’s death, you’re not.” I think the problem is in the word think here anyway.

Coming to terms with Mother’s death hasn’t had much to do with thinking. It’s had everything to do with feeling. I feel sad and miss her terribly, and no matter what I try to write, I feel like I start reading it back to myself to listen for content and clarity, and all I’m writing is “Yadda, yadda, buh buh buh.” As long as I’ve been distracted by activity, I think I’ve coped pretty well. I haven’t been depressed, and I was sitting alone with her when she died. Let me assure you: watching someone leave this world is surreal, but I think I’ve been busy with pleasing, productive activities, and I’ve done pretty well. Now, writing about it—or writing about much of anything else—has not gone well. Processing Mom’s death and moving on with joy and purpose has felt like a big obstacle that landed in my path. Period. Does writing about it help? It already has.

Yes, my writing has been really frustrating lately, but the consolation has been the solace I’ve had from reading: about triumph over tragedy and profound loss and the pursuit of well-being and how peaceful people focus on happiness instead of heartache. I know this much for sure: your thoughtful posts, e-mails, cards and letters in sympathy have let me feel your compassion from your own experiences with death and dying and let me know I’m not alone. Thank you so much.

Now, don’t worry about me, Dear Heart. I’m stronger than I look and really grateful for (1) Mom’s life and (2) positive influence and (3) departure from cancer. And that list is just the start. My life is opening up from this experience in miraculous ways, offering me new avenues to explore Connection and Gratitude and Passion. Don’t waste a minute worrying about my voice or my heart: I’ve turned the corner from “Yadda yadda” toward “Thank you kindly. Now, Bring It On!”

With Love & Light,

Dr Mell

Ideas are valuable, but talk without action is cheap, cheap, cheap. I’ve found good strategies for Finding FLOW that I’d like for you to consider as Actionable Intelligence—ideas that help you move from thinking about FLOW to practicing FLOW in every aspect of your flourishing life. Beyond what you’ll use to practice here, there are good print and web resources for building your FLOW repertoire, so I hope you’ll be inspired from this and stay on a vigorous search.

The state of FLOW comes naturally to us when we’re children. Imagine the face of a child completely fixated and engrossed in learning something new—walking, working a jigsaw puzzle, connecting a swinging bat to a ball. As you mature, you harness the power from your inner child and focus your conscientiousness and energy to understand more complicated systems and processes: learning the function of a human eye, the rules of traffic or the steps to balancing your checkbook. You still have the ability to harness that power and make your experience of life come alive.

In Routine Tasks

Seize the capacity to transform the routine into something that’s more meaningful and stimulating. Discover ordinary moments in your day during which you can practice Finding FLOW. In a similar way that working crossword puzzles builds your cognitive skills, using your attention and concentration in simple tasks helps you build FLOW skills. While you’re washing glassware at the sink, be aware of the warmth and texture of the dish cloth in your hand, the shape and smoothness of the glass, the movement of your fingers over every surface as you clean and rinse it thoroughly and place it gently down to dry. You’re adding value to the experience by demonstrating your conscientious attention to task and by esteeming yourself as you care for the material objects that make your life richer. In addition, you’re building the muscles required to focus your attention and fully live In the Moment.

At Work

It’s at work where people often experience the greatest amount of FLOW in their lives. The key is to seek out assignments that stimulate your intellectual interest and reasonably test your skills sets. When you’re bored or simply don’t care, you need to find more challenge at work. If you’re overly anxious, you need to find ways to gain more skill (Csikszentmihalyi, 1999). A little anxiety is actually a good motivator; too much anxiety can overwhelm your best intentions.

The research on work and attitudes is often contradictory to common wisdom. People may believe that only those lucky workers who follow a calling are happy at work, like artists, teachers or neurosurgeons, but that’s simply not true. Interviews were conducted in a study involving about 30 members of a hospital cleaning crew, and some of the interviewees revealed that they “disliked cleaning, felt that it entailed low-level skills, and did the minimum amount of work required” (Elliott & McGregor, 2001). Other members of the crew revealed that they had transformed their job into something grander and more significant, stating that they felt their work improved the lives of the patients, nurses and visitors. They reported more social interaction with the patients and others, and they built in challenges into their workday, seeking ways to finish their best cleaning quickly and to add tasks outside their normal routine that benefited others.

How can you create more FLOW at work? One FLOW opportunity for workers with some computer literacy is to expand your skills in a program with which you’re somewhat familiar or learn some basic skills in a new one. Be mindful from the beginning of the lesson to its conclusion by engaging all of your senses, paying attention to your posture, the visual cues that help you follow the lesson from step to step, your encouraging self-talk and your growing sense of accomplishment as you reach a new level of mastery. See? You can love work, too!

At Play

Researchers have unearthed interesting information about our habits at play and our ability to experience FLOW. People actually identify more FLOW states from their work experiences than from their home life. If you’ve become bored or detached at home, find FLOW at play by shaking up your tired routines. Change your work shoes to walking shoes once you’re home and go for a brisk walk: breathe the fresh air, take in the sights and sounds, swing your arms as your heart rate ticks up, feel the heel-toe-heel-toe impact of your stride on the ground. Surely, you could add FLOW at play by signing up for T’ai Chi, golf lessons or a cooking class, but a brisk walk is virtually free and provides a wonderful opportunity to experience FLOW states and improve your health and lift your state of mind. Take off and be present!

In seeking more FLOW experiences, no one suggests you disappear into complete self-absorption and renounce the world in a constant state of FLOW. The healthiest of us continue to seek balance in all things. Finding FLOW simply means being open to experiencing life, work and play with more attention—to being fully alive until the day you die.

Good Luck and Good Fortune!

Seeking a departure from a potentially boring Late-Summer Staycation? Worried you’ll end up with couch sores instead of jet lag from a Home Holiday spent bickering with “friends” on social media sites and OD’ing on carbs? Try putting the High in Hiatus like I did. I’m not talking about pursuing a chemically altered state! I spent my Staycation this summer exploring FLOW as a way toward greater well-being and moving my life and the lives of my clients toward flourishing. This blog is about the Why and How.

Early on in my research in positive psychology and the launch of my practice as The 50-Plus Life Coach, I discovered a number of scientists and practitioners who are experts on positive psychology principles, including the identification of personal character traits and values and the habits that magnify and maximize them. Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced chick-SENT-me-hi) is recognized as the most knowledgeable expert on FLOW, a state of intense absorption and involvement with the present moment–a state that people describe when “they are completely involved in something and forget themselves and forget time” (1990). Over the last decade, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi has focused on transforming everyday life into something that resembles the state of FLOW. Living everyday life in an elevated state? Now, I have your attention!

Living an elevated life, before and after 50, is about living with authenticity. After a certain number of birthdays, you know yourself—your character strengths and virtues—better than you ever have, and you insist on living a genuine, authentic life that meshes with your strengths, reflects your values and maximizes your well-being. When I feel a little lost or work with others who do, I often address the conflicted feelings that we all have about our responsibilities to other people. Men and women over 50 feel their relationships to a spouse or partner, children, grandchildren, aging parents, friends and co-workers can overwhelm them and disrupt a close connection to self, shifting their self-care priorities into negative territory. We shore up our conflicted feelings and wield our power to keep our identity separate and esteemed in personal connections and find FLOW by controlling our attention.

Control your attention and you choose the experiences that become your life, no matter how many relationships you nurture. “What you notice and what you pay attention to is your experience; it is your life” (Lyubomirsky, 2008). Here’s how Lyubomirsky reveals the Flow-Attention Connection in The How of Happiness:

Maintaining the state of flow also involves the control of your attention. If the challenge is too low and you become bored or apathetic, your attention drifts elsewhere. If the challenge is too high and you become tense or stressed, your attention shifts to yourself and your limitations, making you self-conscious. Your aim is to gain control over what you pay attention to—in a sense, to gain control over the contents of your consciousness moment by moment….in the long term it can provide a sense of mastery and participation in life (184).

In a famous interview with PBS Legend Bill Moyers, Joseph Campbell, the renowned mythologist, author and lecturer, was asked if he thought people read mythology to discover the meaning of life. Campbell responded like this: “I don’t believe people are seeking the meaning of life….I believe people are seeking the experience of being alive.” Amen and Amen.

So, there it is: “How I Spent My Summer Vacation.” There’ll be time to travel this fall when I can breathe some cool, fresh air on a well-groomed golf course. On my summer break, I’ve gained so much insight into the best practices in Flourishing and explored the Actionable Intelligence I’ve accumulated on FLOW from some of the best and brightest minds in positive psychology.

Elevate your life by controlling your attention and fully experience the feeling of being alive.

Finding the Power in Taking Notice,

Dr Mell

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Csikszentmihalyi, M (1990). Flow:The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper & Row.

Lyubomirsky, S (2008). The how of happiness: A scientific approach to getting the life you want. New York: The Penguin Press.

Thank you for the terrific response to my last blog on “Connecting.” After that posting, I’ve received several requests to share one of the best tools I’ve discovered for “Connecting to Self.” Think of the power in discovering your own motivations and fitting them in an actionable way to the quest to flourish.

I encourage you to pursue this fun and interesting discovery—the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic—for connecting in real and dynamic ways to creating your best life.

Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic

Follow these simple instructions: Consider each of the twelve (12) happiness activities, reflecting on what it would be like to do it every week for several months. Then, rate each activity using the number range 1 through 7 using these terms: NATURAL, ENJOY, VALUE, GUILTY and SITUATION.

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People do things for many different reasons. Rate why you might keep doing this activity in terms of each of the following reasons, and use this scale:

1              2              3                 4                  5               6                   7

not at all                             somewhat                                      very much

NATURAL: I’ll keep doing this activity because it will feel “natural” to me, and I’ll be able to stick with it.

ENJOY: I’ll keep doing this activity because I will enjoy doing it; I’ll find it to be interesting and challenging.

VALUE: I’ll keep doing this activity because I will value and identify with doing it; I’ll do it freely even when it’s not enjoyable.

GUILTY: I’ll keep doing this activity because I would feel ashamed, guilty or anxious if I didn’t do it; I’ll force myself.

SITUATION: I’ll keep doing this activity because somebody else will want me to or because my situation will force me to.

1. Expressing gratitude: Counting your blessings for what you have (either to a close other or privately, through contemplation or a journal) or conveying your gratitude and appreciation to one or more individuals whom you’ve never properly thanked.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

2. Cultivating optimism: Keeping a journal in which you imagine and write about the best possible future for yourself or practicing to look at the bright side of every situation.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

3. Avoiding over-thinking and social comparison: using strategies (such as distraction) to cut down on how often you dwell on your problems and compare yourself with others.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

4. Practicing acts of kindness: Doing good things for others, whether friends or strangers, either directly or anonymously, either spontaneously or planned.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

5. Nurturing relationships: Picking a relationship in need of strengthening and investing time and energy in healing, cultivating, affirming and enjoying it.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

6. Developing strategies for coping: Practicing ways to endure or surmount a recent stress, hardship or trauma.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

7. Learning to forgive: Keeping a journal or writing a letter in which you work on letting go of anger and resentment toward one or more individuals who have hurt or wronged you.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

8. Doing more activities that truly engage you: Increasing the number of experiences at home and work in which you “lose” yourself, which are challenging and absorbing.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

9. Savoring life’s joys: Paying close attention, taking delight and replaying life’s momentary pleasures and wonders, through thinking, writing, drawing or sharing with another.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

10. Committing to your goals: Picking one, two or three significant goals that are meaningful to you and devoting time and effort to pursuing them.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

11. Practicing religion and spirituality: Becoming more involved in your church, temple or mosque or reading and pondering spiritually themed books.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

12. Taking care of your body: Engaging in physical activity, meditating and smiling and laughing.

___Natural    ___Enjoy       ___Value       ___Guilty       ___Situation

Calculate Your “Fit” Score and Determine Your Top Four “Fit” Activities

Step 1: For each of the 12 activities, subtract the average of GUILTY and SITUATION ratings from the average of the NATURAL, ENJOY and VALUE ratings.

Here’s the equation:

FIT Score = (Natural+Enjoy+Value)/3 – (Guilty+Situation)/2

Step 2: To create your set of “Best-Fitting Activities,” write down the four activities with the highest FIT scores:

1)    ____________________

2)    ____________________

3)    ____________________

4)    ____________________

Date:  ____________________

~excerpted from Lyubomirsky (2008)

I think you’ll find The Person-Fit Activity Diagnostic so user-friendly and so thoroughly fascinating—a real opportunity for eye-opening, personal insight. If you’re prompted to reach out, I look forward to hearing from you about your experience completing and using the Person-Fit Activity Diagnostic. Yes, there are other tools at your disposal, but this is such a direct and easy approach to self-discovery. Think of it as a way of customizing your own pursuit of happiness.

Looking Within and Forward,

Dr Mell

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Lyubomirsky, S (2008). The how of happiness: A scientific approach to getting the life you want. New York: Penguin Press. pgs 74-6.

 

Need another reason to value “A Connection to Self”? Experts tell us that creating a flourishing life involves matching your virtues, strengths and values to real-world exercises that impact positive change. Statistically, you’re more likely to try a new approach and to like it and stick with it if you discover before you start whether that approach is a suitable fit for you.

I suspect that it’s a surprise to many people that there are actually activities that move you toward positive change—activities that result in measurable change. If you’re one of those people who has doubts, I challenge you to investigate this assertion for yourself. Many of the scientists who do research and practice in positive psychology are listed on my FAQ page (http://www.doctormell.com/doctor-Mell-FAQ.shtml), and many books, articles and videos produced by Martin Seligman, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ben Tal-Sharar and others are both entertaining and enlightening. Contact me directly or follow links from my site; the science is real and fascinating. If you’re already convinced, you’ll enjoy Sheldon and Elliot’s Self-Concordance Model (1999) that is a careful and thorough investigation of the links between self-knowledge, goal attainment and subjective well-being.

Once all doubt has fallen away, I encourage you to get involved yourself, and the best instrument currently available is the “Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic” survey adapted from Sheldon (Lyubomirsky, pgs 74-6). The questionnaire has only 12 items, the instructions are simple and direct, and the range of responses indicate “Natural” (“I’ll keep doing this activity because it will feel ‘natural’ to me and I’ll be able to stick with it”) to “Situation” (“I’ll keep doing this activity because somebody else will want me to or because my situation will force me to”). Easy and informative: just 12 activities for you to consider that may or may not help you practice shifting from “okay” to “flourishing.” Take this simple survey—here’s why:

The rationale behind the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic is that a particular happiness-increasing strategy will match you better if it feels natural to you and you are truly motivated to pursue it—that is, you want to do it because you value doing it and because you find it enjoyable NOT because you feel forced or pressured into doing it, out of either guilt or a desire to please (pg 77).

Naturally, there are other tools at your disposal, but this is such a direct and powerful approach to self-discovery. The more that you “Connect to Self”—the more you know your own desires, drive and motivation—the better you become at incorporating the right change that you’ll happily pursue as you move closer to realizing your life’s dreams. Think of it as a way of customizing your own pursuit of happiness.

With high hopes and best wishes,

Dr Mell

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Lyubomirsky S (2008). The how of happiness: A scientific approach to getting the life you want. New York: The Penguin Press.

Sheldon K and Elliot A (1999). Goal striving, need-satisfaction, and longitudinal wellbeing: The self-concordance model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76: 482-97.

 

In April, my blog featured a series devoted to “The Five Habits of Well-Being” from ground-breaking research done by the government in Great Britain—a massive study involving thousands of respondents—published to generate a vision for The Foresight Project through the New Economics Foundation (http://www.neweconomics.org/projects/five-ways-well-being). Many readers expressed their interest in the study and shared their personal responses to the study’s discoveries. Since then, an interesting stream of thought has bubbled up from the first strategy—CONNECT—and how it can empower The Silver Sages to realize their most-cherished dreams. The key is to expand how we define the habit of connecting.

The research study identifies five habits that people who flourish say add meaning to their lives and are expressed as action items: Connect, Be Active, Take Notice, Keep Learning and Give. The central theme from the first habit of connecting is based on reaching out to others; that is the language used in framing the study results and in offering “how-to” suggestions for people seeking greater well-being. True enough, connecting with others is both a human need and deep desire, and it offers opportunities for genuine engagement in meaningful relationships. The twist on this concept that has surfaced through comment and conversation lately, however, is about the power of connecting with self.

Here’s the paradox that makes this topic both exciting and challenging for Silver Sages: by the time you reach mid-life, your virtues, talents and strengths have been tested by time—you know who you are, what you like and dislike and what you simply won’t put up with—but you may have become disconnected from yourself because of family or social pressure or even more sinister things. Women approaching and over 50 are at risk for having put everyone else first as the family’s Nurturer-In-Chief and as the company’s or organization’s Go-To Person, giving in to real or imagined demands to make sacrifices “for the greater good.” I suspect that women are statistically at greater risk for chronic pain, depression and anxiety because they’ve become walled off from their true selves. Men at mid-life are also at risk. Think about it: for thousands of years men haven’t exactly been rewarded by civilization for being in touch with their feelings.

So, how can you benefit from connecting to self? By calling on empathy, insight and hope. When you aspire to make real and respectful connections with self, you approach every opportunity with empathy. In other words, you’re gentle with yourself, you stay positive, and you refuse to judge yourself harshly. You have real, identifiable virtues and strengths that can be uncovered and cultivated to improve your self-esteem and make your life richer. Be kind to yourself on that journey.

Insight? To me, you benefit in connecting to yourself by taking a fresh approach. Search with an open mind and an open heart to discover your true self and articulate the dreams that you still have within you. Think outside the box and imagine a life that breaks through the old limits; your life can be much bigger than you’ve lived it thus far.

And hope? Well, hope is the fuel and the engine, the impulse and the drive, that stir your imagination and lift you up and keep you moving toward Your Best Possible Future—the life for which your heart and hopes continue to yearn.

 

Seize the tremendous power from connecting with yourself and wield it to realize your dreams. And, as always, thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

Dr Mell

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“Mental Capital and WellBeing” (2008). The Foresight Project. Department for Business Innovation and Skills. Great Britain: http://www.bis.gov.uk/foresight/our-work/projects/published-projects/mental-capital-and-wellbeing

 

Dr Mell_Thank You Nashville Clip

We had such a great time in Nashville last weekend. Click on my video “Thank You” for my tribute.

All the Best Always,

Dr Mell